“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
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If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf