I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]