[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Not today. 😅
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”