The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
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Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
My beach vacation Google searches
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
Feels
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
It has been 3 years since Monday.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery