I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
You Might Also Like
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
#parenting
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile