Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
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Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter