[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
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Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.