I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
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Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Me trying to “trust the process”
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.