Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.