Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
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me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.