Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
can’t talk my ride’s here
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.