Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
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[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind