“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
set yourself free xox
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen