“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
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teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Did…did a minotaur write this
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store