Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
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the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Not recommended for beginners.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
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If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK