If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
You Might Also Like
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.