If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
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I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”