If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
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wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Yup.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
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son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is