Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
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If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6