If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
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My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines