ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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Anything to declare?
Yes, I really miss my dog.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Don’t fuck with writers. We’ll describe you.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.