ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
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embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
LOOOOOOL
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So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
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mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
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