[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.
Boss: No, do it in your own time please.
Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti