standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus