standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
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People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
I’ve had relationships like this
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂