They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
You Might Also Like
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.