Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Ain’t no way
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids