Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
man i love columbo
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap