Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.