[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked