Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
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teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”