All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
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*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”