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People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
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