Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
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this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
new career option?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I only treason on days ending in y
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.