new career option?
You Might Also Like
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
I would like even faster food.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.