My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
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23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack