there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
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In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I put the p in pants.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
I need a headline like this
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105