Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis