[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
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A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.