@weinerdog4life

All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

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@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”

@Brampersandon_

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

@Lisabug74

Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.

@david8hughes

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

@1CarParade

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

@colleen_eileen

My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often

@cellapaz

i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook

@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@StruggleDisplay

“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-