All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
One difference between Men & Women is nicknames.
Woman: This is Michelle, we call her Shelly
Man: This is Johnny, we call him Long Nuts
Me My dog
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.