All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.

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4-year-old: Are goats real?

Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.

4: *runs away*

Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”


My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back


Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.


Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone


If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!


My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often


i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook


Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.


“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-