My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
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I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
It be like that sometimes 😆
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”