I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
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[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
never compromise your values
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma