Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.