@noog Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
@997omar Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
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@noog 
@stephenjmolloy [3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
@Tobi_Is_Fab Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
@BustaFreak98 *travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
@Brettagher The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
@breatheandlove No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
@WineMummy Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
@meantomyself One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
@FrogAvalanche *inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
@causticbob I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay