Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

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Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.


[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?


Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist


*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*


The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.


Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.


One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves


*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*


I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.

Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay