My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
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Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”