You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Woke up against my better judgement again
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
But that’s none of my business
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.