[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
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Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward