sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
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imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Name another movie that mislead you?
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.