Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.

WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick

ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”

“What are my choices again?”

*loses my composure*

Weigh me now

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart

My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.

Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.

Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist

Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”

M: Did NOT see that coming

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

😂

😂

Not my fault if the kids give up too soon

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.

*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.