“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
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Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
These are too funny not to post 😂
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”
Cat: “Oh my god…”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.