Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
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Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.