Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.