No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
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Twitter is an abusement park.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.