Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

Nobody:

Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”

i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

I’m just playing devils avocado here

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.

“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly

“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100

me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand

Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

*Interrupts your meltdown*

Where do you keep the good snacks!?

Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?

Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.

ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much

THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt

me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense

Man: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: And, for your side?

M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.

~ my cats

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to