A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
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airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
According to math, I’m broke
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
congratulations to them
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?