Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
The cashier just checked me out.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I want what they have
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
I’m ready for Halloween this year
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.