my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
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My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
*thinks my friend Liz’s full first name is Lizard* Lizard. Listen to me. Why are you laughing. Lizard be serious. Lizard please
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
me after drinking all the wine:
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.