my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
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All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
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I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”