I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
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“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
@ candidates for local office
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?