therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
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She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Most populated places in the world:
1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.