I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Oh deer
Yup!
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*